Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I'm here in Santa Fe staying at the Trailer Ranch, an upscale, 55+ RV park. It's really so cute and I can't believe I'm finally here starting my new life. I LOVE Santa Fe, especially the sky. It is always full of brilliant blues and robust clouds. This is no ordinary town, but then again what town is?
It was an interesting journey across Arizona in our RV, Coa Coa who was struggling to tow our PT Cruiser, Isabella. Just us girls, my daughter, Raine and I and our two vehicles. It was a relatively uneventful journey except I didn't expect so many emotions to pop up, but as it turns out the long straight journey across that hot, desert in the darkness was yet another birthing process for me. There is significance in everything we do.
It wasn't until India Aire joined me on my stereo that I truly understood the root of the emotions. She sang, "I've been learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes, the more I know the less I understand, . . . I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered, but I think it's about Forgiveness, forgiveness - even if you don't love me anymore." As I heard these words, tears streamed down my face and I wept while Raine slept in her bunk above my head. I realized that although I had done a lot of work on letting go and forgiving all the events of being in Iraq, falling in love, leaving Raine, loosing my lover, loosing friends, etc, I still needed more. I need to forgive them and myself again and again so that I can move on into my new life.
I had tried to forget that he and I had planned to move here and that wasn't happening now - those dreams died for new ones to be born. It's funny how I can cruise along being busy thinking everything is cool and then run smack into a wall of emotion showing me that I haven't fully addressed the pain and hurt. Despite the sorrow of loosing that love and all the dreams tied up around him, I know it is for the best and that something grander is waiting perhaps preparing for me as I prepare for him. With every change there is death and birth. It's all necesary to live fully.
Here in Santa Fe I am born again. A new woman arriving out of the darkness to let my light shine - I am here as a woman closer to her true being than I have ever witnessed from myself. This is audacious and this is exciting.
Audaciously Following My Heart,
Karen - aka agnes lu