Sunday, August 19, 2007

Pause


In the void created after spending some intimate time with another, whether it is hours or days, emptiness can invade my presence and demand that I fill it with anything; another conversation, food, a movie, just something to absorb the void. But what will happen if I pause and don’t rush to call someone, email or drink it away? Perhaps something magical.

Sharing intimate time with someone in a conversation or sexually has little to do with the other person and everything to do with you/me. That person sharing my space is purely a mirror, reflecting back to me the aspects I either like or don’t like about myself.

Now some people are more pleasing mirrors than others and those are the ones I want to rush back to. But those are also the ones that make me desperate and depleted, bringing out the needy, reaching side of myself (and we know how attractive that can be). But this is not much different than Narcissus, the Greek mythological character who fell in love with his beautiful reflection in a pond and eventually died a slow death of starvation because he couldn't turn away from his mirror.

I am aware that I sometimes get involved with people, both friends and lovers, who are not the best match for me, yet I’m riveted by their view of me or my reflection in them and I remain in their presence no matter how toxic until it blows up like a bad concoction of chemicals sending me flying into the shadow-lands for healing and the re-assembling of my holy sense of self.

Today I’m working toward developing a connection with my inner Divine as my friend, lover and partner. That sounds a little fruity as I write it but what an empowered place to live – where I am not thrown about when others remove themselves (my mirror) from my life or are just not available. It feels like a step towards healthier, unconditional relationships - where I long to be.

Of course there will always be the temptation to find another mirror to lug around and plenty more visits to the shadow-lands for re-membering and healing – that’s what being human is about and I wouldn't change that for the world but perhaps in my pause before the rush I can lessen the temptation to locate a new mirror and just be present in my own sacred magnificence.

Pausing,
Karen

1 comment:

Grace said...

Karen,
You truly are an amazing soul. I bask in the light you've left with me, I dream that one day I too can be as aware, and honest as you are. I just love you, I love to read about you and to see inside your mind. It's one of the most beautiful and sacred places to be.

Laura