Thursday, August 23, 2007

Stand Up

I dropped my daughter, Raine, off after a laughter and hug-filled weekend for the school week with her Dad, I’m lost, alone . . . again. But in this alone-ness, tonight I chose to honor this feeling and step outside under the stars, drink a glass of Chilean red wine with gentle music pouring out the window swirling around me, soothing my heart. Still a part of me wants, yet again, to fill this emptiness but I’ve learned to pause, wait for the shift when I feel my soul stand up. She stands up to dance and sing. It is a different song than the one she sings with Raine, it is less playful and full of deep wisdom.

When my boyfriend suddenly and unexpectedly broke it off with me to go back to his estranged wife, I was cut down at the knees – hurled into the shadow-lands – laying in my lifeless skeleton waiting for the vultures to arrive and pick away at the remnants of my heart. But I didn’t lay there very long; I didn’t take up residence there. I knew I had a purpose and a child to take care of. So at first I started to crawl and then I stood up and walked my way over rubble of my future plans, around boulders of despair. I outwitted monsters that told me it was useless and I was unworthy of love. I walked over and around the burned out trees of the life we had – of who I was in that relationship.

The most amazing thing was that as my soul stood up and walked I found I was not alone. I met some wonderful, loving characters along the way. There was Uncle Aaron, The Eight of Hearts, The Wizard, The Garden Nymph, The Baby Hawk, The Wise Old Sea Turtle, Star, The Lifeguard, The Bearded Lady, The Rainbow, The Lizard Man, The Wild Boar Couple, Forrest, The Family of Dolphins and then The Whale Boy. They all took me by the hand and gently showed me back to my soul-self. Some I saw just once, some more often. Some of them pissed me off and others made me cry, but each encounter was significant. If I hadn’t stood up I wouldn’t have encountered such an amazing cast of colorful characters each with a message specifically for me.

In light of that adventure into and out of the shadow-lands I can’t wait to go back and see whom else I’ll meet or how my heart will expand. But these trips we can’t plan for we can only live our lives and dance to our song and when we are suddenly hurled into the shadow, embrace it for it is always a gift.

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